I read that 4,153,237 people got married last year... not to cause any trouble but shouldn't that be an even number?
♦I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.
♦When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body... Men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
♦Relationships are a lot like algebra... Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
♦America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.
♦You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That's your common sense leaving your body.
♦Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.
♦My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.
♦I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.
♦Money talks ...but all mine ever says is good-bye.
♦You're not fat, you're just... easier to see.
♦If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.
♦I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters... Do they just give you a bra and then say, "Here, fill this out?"
♦I can't understand why women are okay that JC Penny has an older women's clothing line named, " Sag Harbor "
♦My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I'm pretty sure she was hitting on me.
♦My 60 year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I'm worried about the 175 pounds I've gained since then.
♦Denny's has a slogan, "If it's your birthday, the meal is on us." If you're in Denny's, and it's your birthday, your life sucks!
♦The pharmacist asked me my birth date again today. I'm pretty sure she's planning to get me something.
♦The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.
♦I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.
♦Money can't buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch!
♦The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all single. The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.
1. Eighteen holes of match play will teach you more about your foe than 18 years of dealing with him across a desk.
-- Grantland Rice
2. Golf appeals to the idiot in us and the child. Just how childlike golf players become. This is proven by their frequent inability to count past five.
-- John Updike
3. It is almost impossible to remember how tragic a place the world is when one is playing golf.
-- Robert Lynd
4. If profanity had any influence on the flight of the ball, the game of golf would be played far better than it is.
-- Horace G. Hutchinson
5. They say golf is like life, but don't believe them. Golf is more complicated than that.
-- Gardner Dickinson
6. If a lot of people gripped a knife and fork as poorly as they do a golf club, they'd starve to death.
-- Sam Snead
7. Golf is a day spent in a round of strenuous idleness.
-- William Wordsworth
8. If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt.
-- Dean Martin
9. If you are going to throw a club, it is important to throw it ahead of you, down the fairway, so you don't have to waste energy going back to pick it up.
-- Tommy Bolt
10. Man blames fate for all other accidents, but feels personally responsible when he makes a hole-in-one.
-- Bishop Sheen
11. I don't say my golf game is bad, but if I grew tomatoes they'd come up sliced.
-- Arnold Palmer
12. My handicap? Woods and irons.
-- Chris Codiroli
13. The ardent golfer would play Mount Everest if somebody would put a flag stick on top.
-- Pete Dye
14. I'm hitting the woods just great; but having a terrible time getting out of them!
-- Buddy Hackett
15. The only time my prayers are never answered is playing golf.
-- Billy Graham
16. If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.
-- Jack Lemmon
17. It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling.
-- Mark Twain
18. Don't play too much golf. Two rounds a day are plenty.
-- Harry Vardon
19. Golf and sex are the only things you can enjoy without being good at either of them.
-- Jimmy DeMaret
20. May thy ball lie in green pastures, and not in still waters.
-- Ben Hogan
21. If I hit it right, it's a slice. If I hit it left, it's a hook. If I hit it straight, it's a miracle.
-- Anon
22. The difference in golf and government is that in golf you can't improve your lie.
-- George Deukmejian
23. Golf is a game invented by the same people who think music comes out of a bagpipe.
-- Lee Trevino
24. Reason they call it golf is cuz all the other four-letter words were taken.
-- Woody Woodbury
Finally:
25. The No.#1 Golf rule you MUST follow: take the car keys out of your golf bag before you throw it into the creek.