Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest winners

[Mugwump]

Yup; it's that time again. I just stumbled on the 2015 Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest winners (awards given for the worst 'first lines' of imaginary novels). Here are a few of my favorites:

Winner ~ Grand Prize:


Seeing how the victim's body, or what remained of it, was wedged between the grill of the Peterbilt 389 and the bumper of the 2008 Cadillac Escalade EXT, officer "Dirk" Dirksen wondered why reporters always used the phrase "sandwiched" to describe such a scene since there was nothing appetizing about it, but still, he thought, they might have a point because some of this would probably end up on the front of his shirt. ? Joel Phillips, West Trenton, NJ



Winner ~ Children?s Literature:


The doctors all agreed the inside of Charlie?s intestinal tract looked like some dark, dank subway system in a decaying inner city, blackened polyps hanging from every corner like tiny ticking terrorist time bombs, waiting to burst forth in cancerous activity; however, to Timmy the Tapeworm this was home. ? E. David Moulton, Summerville, SC



Runner-Up ~ Children's Literature:


Shortly after that interfering do-gooder Snow White had introduced Sneezy to non-drowsy antihistamines, he had to change his name to Brian, where he then left the mines with Ray (formerly Sleepy) who was now a caffeine addict and Bob (formerly Grumpy) who was on 100 milligrams of Prozac a day, and Doc whom Snow pointed out had never actually graduated from medical school and was being sued for malpractice--oh how he despised that high and mighty ho. ? Hwei Oh, Sydney, Australia



Winner ~ Crime/Detective:


John thought of Kate and smiled--with any luck the tide would carry her body out to deeper water by nightfall. ? Tom Billings, Minneapolis, MN



Dishonorable Mentions ~ Crime/Detective:


When private detective Flip Merlot spotted the statuesque brunette seated at the bar of his favorite watering hole, he was drawn to her like a yellow cat to navy blue pants, and when he sidled up next to her he felt fuzzy all over, kind of like dark blue corduroys get when they're matted with yellow cat hair. ? James M. Vanes, La Porte, IN



Winner ~ Horror:


If Vicky Walters had known that ordering an extra shot of espresso in her grande non-fat sugar free one pump raspberry syrup two pumps vanilla syrup soy latte that Wednesday would lead to her death and subsequent rebirth as a vampire, she probably would have at least gotten whipped cream.? Margo Coffman, Corinth MS



Winner ~Purple Prose:


Carlos stared in lust and amazement as she walked away, her spandex-covered body giving the impression of two well-oiled sumo wrestlers on stilts furiously going for the win. ? Marlin Back, Columbus, IN



Dishonorable Mentions ~ Purple Prose:


Long overdue for a tune-up, the ancient and dilapidated 1956 Oldsmobile -- with PowerGlide transmission and power steering -- wheezed slowly into the gas station, the long, blue plumes of exhaust looking like a crop duster full of illegal DDT spraying a field of asphalt. ? Ed Buhrer, Louisa, VA



Winner ~ Romance:


Claire had more daddy issues than Boy?s Life magazine published in the late 1970s, but she was a perfect match for Donald, whose personality was vaguely sticky, like the outside of a squeezable honey container or anything handled by a three-year-old. ? James Pokines, Boston, MA



Dishonorable Mentions ~ Romance:


Wilbur's passionate kisses sent a warm shiver down Eugenia's tender spine and made the coarse hair on her knuckles erect. ? David Pepper, Torrance, CA



Dishonorable Mentions ~ Romance:


Well . . ." began the mother as she attempted to answer her daughter's question, amid fuzzy memories of a balmy night in Cuba, several empty bottles of pineapple rum lying around the bed she had shared with the Captain accompanied by the worst headache she could remember, "I wouldn't use the word ?accident.?" ? Alex Main, Springboro, OH



Winner ~ Science Fiction:


The gravitational pull up here on Mars is much less than it is back at home base, of course, so your tongue sticks to the roof of our mouth and everyone sounds like Eleanor Roosevelt. ? John Holmes, St. Petersburg, FL



Dishonorable Mentions ~ Vile Puns:


As James King, detective in the Queens branch of the NYPD stared at the rooks pecking at the disheveled corpse of Bishop Robert Knight in the alley behind the pawn shop, he checked for his mates. ? Mark McGivern, Albert Lea, MN



Miscellaneous Dishonorable Mentions:


"I'm nothing without you," Steele Harrison told Mavis Prescott, which was true on many levels, but primarily because he was her imaginary friend. ? Tom Wallace Columbia, SC

http://www.bulwer-lytton.com/2015win.html