Things to ponder today

[Ron Sower]

I read that 4,153,237 people got married last year...  not to cause any trouble but shouldn't that be an even number?

♦I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.

♦When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body... Men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

♦Relationships are a lot like algebra...  Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

♦America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.

♦You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That's your common sense leaving your body.

♦Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.

♦My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.

♦I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.

♦Money talks ...but all mine ever says is good-bye.

♦You're not fat, you're just... easier to see.

♦If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

♦I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters... Do they just give you a bra and then say, "Here, fill this out?"

♦I can't understand why women are okay that JC Penny has an older women's clothing line named, " Sag Harbor "

♦My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I'm pretty sure she was hitting on me.

♦My 60 year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I'm worried about the 175 pounds I've gained since then.

♦Denny's has a slogan, "If it's your birthday, the meal is on us." If you're in Denny's, and it's your birthday, your life sucks!

♦The pharmacist asked me my birth date again today. I'm pretty sure she's planning to get me something.

♦The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.

♦I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.

♦Money can't buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch!

♦The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all single. The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.

[Mugwump]

1. Eighteen holes of match play will teach you more about your foe than 18 years of dealing with him across a desk.
-- Grantland Rice

2. Golf appeals to the idiot in us and the child. Just how childlike golf players become. This is proven by their frequent inability to count past five.
-- John Updike

3. It is almost impossible to remember how tragic a place the world is when one is playing golf.
-- Robert Lynd

4. If profanity had any influence on the flight of the ball, the game of golf would be played far better than it is.
-- Horace G. Hutchinson

5. They say golf is like life, but don't believe them. Golf is more complicated than that.
-- Gardner Dickinson

6. If a lot of people gripped a knife and fork as poorly as they do a golf club, they'd starve to death.
-- Sam Snead

7. Golf is a day spent in a round of strenuous idleness.
-- William Wordsworth

8. If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt.
-- Dean Martin

9. If you are going to throw a club, it is important to throw it ahead of you, down the fairway, so you don't have to waste energy going back to pick it up.
-- Tommy Bolt

10. Man blames fate for all other accidents, but feels personally responsible when he makes a hole-in-one.
-- Bishop Sheen

11. I don't say my golf game is bad, but if I grew tomatoes they'd come up sliced.
-- Arnold Palmer

12. My handicap? Woods and irons.
-- Chris Codiroli

13. The ardent golfer would play Mount Everest if somebody would put a flag stick on top.
-- Pete Dye

14. I'm hitting the woods just great; but having a terrible time getting out of them!
-- Buddy Hackett

15. The only time my prayers are never answered is playing golf.
-- Billy Graham

16. If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.
-- Jack Lemmon

17. It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling.
-- Mark Twain

18. Don't play too much golf. Two rounds a day are plenty.
-- Harry Vardon

19. Golf and sex are the only things you can enjoy without being good at either of them.
-- Jimmy DeMaret

20. May thy ball lie in green pastures, and not in still waters.
-- Ben Hogan

21. If I hit it right, it's a slice. If I hit it left, it's a hook. If I hit it straight, it's a miracle.
-- Anon

22. The difference in golf and government is that in golf you can't improve your lie.
-- George Deukmejian

23. Golf is a game invented by the same people who think music comes out of a bagpipe.
-- Lee Trevino

24. Reason they call it golf is cuz all the other four-letter words were taken.
-- Woody Woodbury

Finally:
25. The No.#1 Golf rule you MUST follow: take the car keys out of your golf bag before you throw it into the creek.